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Incite 7/27/2016: The 3 As

Mike Rothman July 26, 2016 1 Comment

One of the hardest things for me to realize has been that I don’t control everything. I spent years railing against the machine, and getting upset when nothing changed. Active-minded people (as opposed to passive) believe they make their own opportunities and control their destiny, sometimes by force of will. Over the past few years, I needed a way to handle this reality and not make myself crazy. So I came up with 3 “A” words that make sense to me. The first ‘A’, Acceptance, is very difficult for me because it goes against most of what I believe. When you think about it, acceptance seems so defeatist. How can you push things forward and improve them if you accept the way they are now? I struggled with this for the first 5 years I practiced mindfulness. What I was missing was the second ‘A’, Attachment. Another very abstract concept. But acceptance of what you can’t control is really contingent on not getting attached to how it works out. I would get angry when things didn’t work out the way I thought they should have. As if I were the arbiter of everything right and proper. LOL. If you are OK with however things work out, then there is no need to rail against the machine. Ultimately I had to acknowledge that everyone has their own path, and although their path may not make sense to me on my outsider’s perch, it’s not my place to judge whether it’s the right path for that specific person. Just because it’s not what I’d do, doesn’t mean it’s the wrong choice for someone else. In order to evolve and grow, I had to acknowledge there are just some things that I can’t change. I can’t change how other people act. I can’t change the decisions they make. I can’t change their priorities. Anyone with kids has probably banged heads with them because the kids make wrong-headed decisions and constantly screw up such avoidable situations. If only they’d listen, right? RIGHT? Or is that only me? This impacts every relationship you have. Your spouse or significant other will do things you don’t agree with. At work you’ll need to deal with decisions that don’t make sense to you. But at the end of the day, you can stamp your feet all you want, and you’ll end up with sore feet, but that’s about it. Of course in my role as a parent, advisor, and friend, I can make suggestions. I can offer my perspectives and opinions about what I’d do. But that’s about it. They are going to do whatever they do. This is hardest when that other person’s path impacts your own. In all aspects of our lives (both personal and professional) other people’s decisions have a significant effect on you. Both positive and negative. But what made all this acceptance and non-attachment work for me was that I finally understood that I control what I do. I control how I handle a situation, and what actions I take as a result. This brings us to the 3rd ‘A’, Adapt. I maintain control over my own situation by adapting gracefully to the world around me. Sometimes adapting involves significant alterations of the path forward. Other times it’s just shaking your head and moving on. I did my best to do all of the above as I moved forward in my personal life. I do the same on a constant basis as we manage the transition of Securosis. My goal is to make decisions and act with kindness and grace in everything I do. When I fall short of that ideal, I have an opportunity to accept my own areas of improvement, let go, and not beat myself up (removing Attachment), and Adapt to make sure I have learned something and won’t repeat the same mistake again. We all have plenty of opportunity to practice the 3 As. Life is pretty complicated nowadays, with lots of things you cannot control. This makes many people very unhappy. But I subscribe to the Buddhist proverb, “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” Acceptance, removing attachment, and adapting accordingly help me handle these situations. Maybe they can help you as well. –Mike Photo credit: “AAA” from Dennis Dixson Security is changing. So is Securosis. Check out Rich’s post on how we are evolving our business. We’ve published this year’s Securosis Guide to the RSA Conference. It’s our take on the key themes of this year’s conference (which is really a proxy for the industry), as well as deep dives on cloud security, threat protection, and data security. And there is a ton of meme goodness… Check out the blog post or download the guide directly (PDF). The fine folks at the RSA Conference posted the talk Jennifer Minella and I did on mindfulness at the 2014 conference. You can check it out on YouTube. Take an hour. Your emails, alerts, and Twitter timeline will be there when you get back. Securosis Firestarter Have you checked out our video podcast? Rich, Adrian, and Mike get into a Google Hangout and… hang out. We talk a bit about security as well. We try to keep these to 15 minutes or less, and usually fail. May 31 – Where to Start? May 2 – What the hell is a cloud anyway? Mar 16 – The Rugged vs. SecDevOps Smackdown Feb 17 – RSA Conference – The Good, Bad and Ugly Dec 8 – 2015 Wrap Up and 2016 Non-Predictions Nov 16 – The Blame Game Nov 3 – Get Your Marshmallows Oct 19 – re:Invent Yourself (or else) Aug 12 – Karma July 13 – Living with the OPM Hack May 26 – We Don’t Know Sh–. You Don’t Know Sh– May 4 – RSAC wrap-up. Same as it ever was. Heavy Research We are back at work on a variety of blog series, so here is a list of the research currently underway. Remember you can get our Heavy

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