If you see any of these in a vendor sales/analyst presentation, run fast.
- They open with, “this is under NDA” or “this is confidential” and you have never signed an NDA.
- The word “unique”. Especially in the same sentence as “industry leader”. If you are unique, you are, by definition, both the leader and the worst piece of crap out there. You do not want to be Schroedinger’s cat; it never ends well.
- No screenshots of the product until slide 43, addendum 7, behind a slide that says, “stairs out, beware of tiger”.
- No slides describing how the technology works. Bonus points if they won’t tell you because a) they are in stealth mode, b) it is a trade secret, or c) their investors won’t let them talk about it until the patent is issued (expected August 12, 2046).
- How you see the industry or world. Just tell us what problem you solve – we decide whether it is more important than the other 274 items on our to-do list. Bonus points if you refuse to skip this section when asked.
- A slide of company logos you aren’t supposed to put on slides because it violates your contract. Always amusing when the same logo is in every competitor’s slide decks as well.
- Any reference to Katrina, Pearl Harbor, or 9/11. Use chaff if they append “digital” to any of those words.
- We stop the APTs. (Some grammar fails are worse than others).
- The term “insider threat”, unless you sell to prisons or proctologists.
- Any reference to Edward Snowden, Unless you are actually the NSA (or Booze Allen, but for other reasons).
I’m not trying to slam any vendor, and for the most part both the product people and the smart marketing execs I spend most of my time with roll their eyes at all of this as well, but man, it sure is happening a lot lately.
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8 Replies to “Top 10 Stupid Sales/Press/Analyst Presentation Tricks”
Hilarious! In #5, the slide has a series of circles showing a “nexus” of “key trends” labelled (you guessed it) … Mobile, cloud, Big Data, and social.
For #2: equally cringe-worthy PR faves:”revolutionary,” “groundbreaking,” “holistic,” “comprehensive,” “disruptive.”
Forgive us our trespasses….
You guys crack me up! Love the list, but you need to add:
#11: Claims to ‘solve’ your security problems. Not sure if it comes with a silver bullet…
You can be sure that at some point during the development of this presentation, a marketing person (or two) below the VP level tried very hard to avoid or delete these terms and phrases. This person (usually the one who wears a skirt) would have been overruled by the VP, the CEO, the VP of sales, or another senior executive who was enamored of said language and thought these terms were essential to get the point across or to emphasize the very unique and important nature of the product. Some marketers know what they’re doing but get tarred by the same brush.
You forgot the use of the word ‘cyber’, especially when used repeatedly and as a prefix. It adds ZERO additional meaning. Examples: cyber actor, cyber assurance, cyber forensics…
It is utterly a marketing term. A marketeers wet dream. And we all know what Bill Hicks said about advertising and marketing…
Good list, and I know I’ve done #1 before (maybe even to you). I also watch out for pictures of cops, guard dogs, and Guy Fawkes masks. And don’t you just love it when people throw out hype-y huge numbers like #’s of records, #’s of vulnerabilities, and #’s of attacks some entity experiences per day.
Also, I’m pretty sure it’s “Booz” Allen Hamilton, though there may be some Booze involved these days ;^)
Number 7 should also contain “cyber” as a no-go word.
Marketing people are just a really bad abstraction layer. An incompetent marketeer can make the best technology look terrible. Too bad most companies won’t let analysts talk to a Sales Engineer, i.e. someone who actually knows how the product works in real life. If they don’t have any SEs yet, that means they aren’t even giving away the technology yet, which means they have no business talking about it.