Washington, D.C.

Officials today revealed that the “Advanced Persistent Threat” (APT) has been completely defeated by vendor marketure, analyst/pundit tweets, and PowerPoint presentations.

“APT is dead. Totally gone. The term APT is meaningless now” revealed a senior official under the condition of anonymity, as he was not authorized to discuss the issue with the press – as if anyone believes that anymore.

“Advanced Persistent Threat” was a term coined by members of the military, intelligence, and defense industries to define a series of ongoing attacks originating from state and non-state actors primarily located in China, first against military targets, and later against manufacturing and other industries of interest. It referred to specific threat actors, rather than a general type of advanced attacks. Revealed through major breaches at Google and reports from Lockheed-Martin, APT quickly entered the Official Industry Spin Machine and was misused to irrelevance.

Bill Martin, President, CEO, and CMO of Big Security, stated,

Our security products have always protected against advanced threats, and all threats are persistent, which is why we continue to push LOVELETTER virus definitions to our clients desktops. By including APT in our marketing materials and webcasts we are now able to educate our clients on why they should give us more money for the same products we’ve been selling them for years. In 2011 we will continue to enhance our customers’ experiences by adding an APT Gauge to all our product dashboards for a minimal price increase.

Self-proclaimed independent security pundit Rob Robson stated, “The APT isn’t dead until I say it is. I will continue to use APT in my presentations and press quotes until I stop getting invited to RSA parties”.

When asked in an unrelated press conference whether this means China is no longer hacking foreign governments and enterprises, Cybergeneral Johnson replied, “We have seen no decrease in activity.” Johnson continued, “If anything, we’ve seen even more successful breaches due to agencies and companies believing the latest security product they purchased will stop the APT. We are still in the middle of a long-term international conflict with a complex political dynamic that could materially affect our military and economic capabilities in the future. I don’t think a new firewall will help”.

For more on this topic, please see The Security Industry Anti-Disambiguation Movement.