I hate to admit it, but I often delight in the sometimes brilliant creativity of those greedy assholes trying to sell me various products to improve the functioning of my rod or financial portfolio. I used to call this “spam haiku” and kept a running file to entertain audiences during presentations.

Lately I’ve noticed some improvements in the general quality of this digital detritus, at least on the top end. While the bulk of spam lacks even the creativity of My Pet Goat, and targets a similar demographic, the best almost contain a self awareness and internal irony more reminiscent of fine satire. Even messages that seem unintelligible on the surface make a wacky kind of poetry when viewed from a distance. Here are a few, all collected within the past few days:

  • Make two days nailing marathon semipellucid pigeonhearted (Semipellucid should be added to a dictionary someplace.)
  • Girls will drop underwear for you banyan speechmaker (Invokes images of steamy romance in the tropics… assuming you aren’t afraid of talking penises.)
  • How too Satisfy a Woman in Bed – Part 1 (No poetry, but simple and to the point (ignoring the totally unnecessary-for-filter-evasion spelling error. I’m still waiting anxiously for Part 2, since Part 1 failed to provide details on what to do after taking the blue pill. Do I simply wait? Am I supposed to engage in small talk? When do we actually move to the bed? Is a lounge chair acceptable, or do I have to pay extra for that? Part 1 is little more than a teaser, I think I should buy the full series.)
  • Read it, you freak (Shows excellent demographic research!)
  • When the darkness comes your watch will still show you the right time (This is purely anti-Semitic. I realize us Jews will be left in the darkness after the Rapture, but there’s no reason to flaunt it. At least my watch will work.)
  • Your virility will never disappear as long as you remain with us (Comforting, but this was the header of an AARP newsletter.)
  • Shove your giant and give her real tension. (Is it me, or does this conjure images of battling a big ass biker as “she” nervously bites her nails in anticipation of your impending demise?)
  • You can look trendy as a real dandy. (Er..)
  • Real men don’t check the clock, they check the watch. (Damn straight! And they shove giants. Can’t forget the giants.)
  • Your rocket will fly higher aiguille campanulate runes relapse
  • Get a watch that was sent you from heaven above. (Well, if it’s from heaven, I can’t say no.)
  • Empower your fleshy thing (Excellent. Its incubation in the lab is nearly complete, and I’ve been searching for a suitable power source to support its mission of world domination.)
  • Your male stamina will return to you like a boomerang. (It will go flying off to the far corner of the park where my neighbor’s dog shreds it to pieces? Perhaps evoking the wrong image here.)
  • Your wang will reach ceiling (I do have a vintage Wang in my historical computer collection. Is this a robotic arm or some sort of ceiling mount? I must find out. If it’s in reference to my friend’s cousin Wang, I’m not sure I’d call him “mine”, and he already owns a ladder.)
  • Your stiff wang = her moans (Wang isn’t dead, but I’m sure his wife would moan in agony at her loss if he was. What’s with the obsession with my friend’s cousin?)
  • Be more than a man with a Submariner SS watch. (Like… a cyborg?!?!)
  • Your account has been disabled (I guess we’re done then.)