Securosis is in possession of damning documentation that proves, without a doubt, that John Moltz of Crazy Apple Rumors has taken control of all Macs through his ingenious use of the, “woe is me, I lost my funding, come to my site and cry your goodbyes” scam.

We also possess genealogical evidence, provided by the Mormon church, proving that Motz is the bastard artificial child of John Gruber and Dave Maynor.

During the infamous Black Hat Mac hacking incident, Maynor and Gruber were simultaneously drugged by Steve Ballmer and their genetic material was sampled. Ballmer then broke into a lab used by the Gates Foundation for malaria research and combined the genes to produce the ultimate Mac security threat. A snippet of a secret email sent by Ballmer reveals his evil plot:

By combining the most hated OS X security researcher with the most beloved Mac enthusiast into a mindless creature under my control I will infiltrate the Apple community and use that trust to install a devastating trojan on all Macs, everywhere. We will final[sic][hic] wipe out Apple and control the hearts and minds of the world. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Moltz, obeying the commands of his master in Redmond, used jokes blatantly stolen from Fake Steve Jobs (also a Ballmer creation) to draw humor-starved Mac enthusiasts to CARS. He then installed exploit code on CARS for an 0day Safari vulnerability and announced his so-called “break” to draw sufficient traffic to pass the critical threshold for his malicious software to achieve self-propagation.

The code has since become self aware, joining with the Storm Worm and Facebook. It is expected to cross over into the mosquito population within weeks, overtaking bird flu as the greatest threat to humanity.

Moltz is also responsible for global warming, and a kitten dies every time he laughs.

(For those who don’t know, CARS is going on hiatus and is a great loss to the tech community. It only linked to Securosis once, but that still drives more traffic than anything I write on enterprise security. We’ll miss ya John. Please start drinking heavily again so we get our daily laugh.)